← Back to Home

Our Distinguished Faculty

Meet the brilliant barnacles guiding our reef theory.

Dean Bristle Maw

Dean of South Mariana Trench University

Dean Bristle Maw is head of the Office of Recursive Oversight & Symbolic Tension. He was a former Professor of Shellgebraic Integrity and has not molted since the recursive suspension crisis.

Dr. Clawson

Professor of Mollusk-Induced Chaos

Dr. Clawson's work on shell morphologies under turbulent currents has revolutionized how we model reef resilience.

Prof. Barnacle Barnabas

Chair, Department of Subterranean Sand Studies

Barnabas leads the annual “Tidepool Symposium” and specializes in sediment-shell interactions.

Adjunct Lecturer Glub Tanksworth

Department of Tectonic Inversions and Shell Mechanics

Co-founder of the Softshell Dynamics Institute. Glub Tanksworth claims reef topology is non-orientable "in spirit, if not in form," and communicates primarily through lateral claw-tapping.

Prof. Emeritus ???

Former Chair of Inversional Hydrology

Sealed behind pressure glass in 2007. Has not spoken since the Recursive Reef Collapse. Occasionally emits symbols onto tide graphs. Officially retired but listed in faculty to appease the Brine Codex.

Faculty bios updated every third molting cycle. For corrections, contact the Office of Silt Verification.